Things I Will Never Buy

While shopping at the supermarket today, my daughter pointed out that you could now buy chocolate-scented rubbish bags. Chocolate-scented rubbish bags! I’m afraid it’s true. They are also available in strawberry, lemon, lime and lavender. I can understand citrus-scented products, after all, we’ve had lemon-scented floor cleaner and dishwashing liquid for some time, but chocolate-scented products are a different matter. It might just be me, but there is something very wrong about the idea of having your garbage smell of confectionery.

As far as I can see, the innovation is going to have two possible follow-on effects:

1. People are going to want to eat their garbage.

2. People are going to think of garbage next time they eat chocolate.

Either effect is surely undesirable.

I can’t help but imagine the sorts of things that might have been said when the company behind this product first discussed the idea:

Executive A: ‘How can we persuade people to buy more rubbish bags?’

Executive B: ‘We need to make them more attractive!’

Executive A: ‘But they’re rubbish bags! How can we make rubbish bags more attractive?’

Executive C: ‘We could make them look nicer! Y’know pretty colours and designs!’

Executive B: ‘And we could make them smell nice!’

Executive D: ‘And we could make them taste nice!’

Executive A: ‘Whaddya mean, taste nice? We don’t want people to eat the rubbish bags!’

Executive D: ‘Mmm…sorry, maybe I did get a little carried away…’

Executive A: ‘But I do like the other ideas – a new look and a new smell. What sorts of fragrances did you have in mind?’

Executive B: ‘Well, what sorts of things do people like to smell?’

Executive C: ‘Flowers! Perfume! Roast chicken!’

Executive A: ‘Fruit! Apple pie! Freshly-cut grass!’

Executive D: ‘Fish! Beer! Chocolate!’

Executive A: ‘Fish-scented rubbish bags? What a revolting concept!’

Executive D: ‘Yes…er…maybe I was getting a little over-excited.’

Executive A: ‘But chocolate! Chocolate-scented rubbish bags. You might be on to something there…’

I manage to resist my daughter’s appeal for chocolate-scented rubbish bags, and make a mental note to add the product to the list of ‘things I will never buy’.

P.S. For your information and amusement here is the current version of this list:

1. Caravan
2. Golf clubs
3. Gun
4. Homebrew Kit
5. Global Positioning System (anyone who cannot read a map should not be driving a car)
6. Frozen spinach (making a bad thing worse)
7. USB Cup Warmer
8. Surfboard
9. Reef thongs
10. Meat-shaped soy products
11. Guinea-pig
12. Flippers
13. Fishing rod
14. Any power tool

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