• Please only send one short story and up to three poems; or two short stories and up to two poems; or three short stories, a haiku and a bowl of cherries.
• Send three copies of your work – a hard copy, an electronic copy (on 3.5″ floppy disk) and a copy handwritten on soap.
• Do not put your name on your work, but include a short video of yourself acting out your name in mime.
• Text should be single-spaced, except when submitting in the months of April, August and December, when text is to be triple-spaced, typed backwards and in red ink.
• Do not use italics or bold type in your submission except when referring to southern Italian villages or 17th century French poets.
• Do not use the characters !@#$%& or * in your submission except when referring to Dutch cheese manufacturers or salmon.
• Submissions in Norwegian will not be considered, unless accompanied by a 12-inch replica of 16th century Norwegian sea craft.
• Do not date your work, but please include your date-of-birth, a photograph of your mother, and a diorama depicting Serengeti wildlife.
• Calculate the number of pages, words, characters, metaphors and similes in your submission. Divide the total by seven, and write the answer on a slip of pink paper in yellow ink. Deposit the slip of pink paper into your mouth and chew vigorously for several minutes. Place the wad of chewed paper into a small plastic bag and mail it to us in a separate envelope marked CP.
• Submissions from anyone with a name starting with N, S or V will not be considered, unless that person also has a surname beginning with the same letter. In those cases, all of the above requirements will be waived, pending a full physical examination, psychological test and payment of AUD$200.

Please note that submissions will only be considered if hand-delivered between 3pm and 3.45pm on August 28th, or between 10am and 11.15am on October 17th.

If a piece of work is accepted for publication you will be required to embroider the work with green thread on a satin sheet, and forward it to us together with at least five species of African dung beetle.

Please note that the above conditions are subject to frequent revision, and may change without notice several times a week. Submissions not complying with said conditions will be sprinkled with marmoset urine and eaten with a light salad.